god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
