You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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