remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
