I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
