I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
