Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
