my phone needs a breathalizer
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
