i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
