Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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