When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
