I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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