While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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