Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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