I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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