so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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