I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
