nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize