Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
