she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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