well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is Oprah even human
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize