wanna go halves on a baby?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
