I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize