Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
