I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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