My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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