Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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