you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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