Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
wanna go halves on a baby?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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