There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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