Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize