forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
