Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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