so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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