I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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