I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
