Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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