It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
