Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
