Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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