just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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