Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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