3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
