I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
