$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
