Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
