Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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