Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
