dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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