If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize