I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
