Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
