I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
