I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
