Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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