K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
