I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
