Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize