So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
