In the future we'll all be gay
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
