i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize